I really can't picture him this small. Caitlynne was going through some of his newborn clothes (yes, we're torturing ourselves) and just don't remember him being that small.
In some ways I've wanted him to grow up fast. Since the day I found out he was going to be a boy I could envision us camping, playing catch and finding a way to annoy Caitlynne. I think she feels like she's raising two kids sometimes.
One thing I've notice in the first year of being a dad is every stage is your favorite. He was precious as a newborn. It was the best. Then he started rolling over and saying "da da" which was the best. Then he started army crawling. Now he's furniture cruising and trying to stand and walk. It's the best.
I often think about what he's going to do when he's older. What will his dreams be? What career path will he take? I joke about wanting him to be a doctor. I think every parent thinks that. Advertising isn't a doctor's salary. So, I need him to buy me a beach house.
In reality, I want him to be happy. I want him to be one of those people who knows what they love to do and finds a way to make a living off of it. It's possible for anyone, but it takes a special mindset. I hope I can help develop that for him. And I wouldn't mind if he played football for OU.
I know my priorities have changed. I love my job but I miss being at home every second. Caitlynne sends me pictures and videos all day which make me feel like I'm not missing a thing. I find myself thinking less about what I want and more about what I need to be for him and for Caitlynne. That means less travel for now. That means a tighter budget. I've become good with that.
I started to realize how special being a dad is. What the hype is all about. You think you know, and then you have a kid and then you really think you know. For me, it was a bit later. It was when he started interacting and getting his own personality. That's when I realized how awesome being a dad is.
I've learned how wired we are to be parents. It comes naturally. For some more than others (i.e. my wife over me). But it's all there. You have instincts that drive you to make decisions that you feel are best for your kid. And, a lot of the time you're right. What makes me nervous is that those decisions become more complex as he gets older.
What will his personality be like? Will he be introverted or crave interaction with others? I wonder if he'll be into sports, the arts or both. I wonder what his hobbies will be.
How will we shape him as parents? Will he be selfless and considerate of others? What will others think about him? Every parent wants their kid to be a good person. We have to teach him those traits. The foundation of good characteristics are in him but we have to harness those characteristics and show him the way.
I love how much he loves and depends on us. His excitement when we go in his room to get him out of bed. His smile when I walk in the door. I will always remember the age when he realized that I was someone special. That he could bury his head in my chest when he was feeling shy. I wasn't just anyone. I make up the pair of people that he can always count on.
I'm aware that one day he won't need me as much. It's a while a way, but I don't plan on taking the time where he needs me for granted. I'll always be there to pick him up when he falls, but for now I will be there to change his diapers and spoon feed him his nasty baby food.
To Paxton, I say to hold your head up high. Keep moving forward and keep your mind open to change. Trust in yourself and find what makes you happy. Forgive me for when I let you down and know I'll always love you.
Always be looking out for opportunity, but don't forget what you have. I pass on this message that my dad passed on to me. With love, patience and persistence your dreams will come true.
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